I found an informative article titled
" 10 Conditions to be Spouses" from 浪漫一生. Hearsay, "love is blind",
but anyhow, the blind walks with a walking stick. Let's hope that this article
will be the walking stick. The article is just some common sense that are not
taught in school, but I find it rather handy for those that are in a romantic
relationship and having the idea of sharing a lifetime together. though I
believe that those that are in the stage of making this lifetime decision may
have thoroughly scrutinize on the matter. It's better to think thoroughly than
to regret later, as it may involve more people in the tragedy as time goes on.
Kids are always the victims of a failed marriage, as they need to suffer the
consequences of the actions of their parents. No debate on that.
The original article is in Mandarin,
hereby I will translate and edit it into English with my personal notes will be
in italic purple. My motivation of doing this? Simple. It is a gift with the
hope that there will more happy couples and more kids having happy
families.
1)
Friends
Are you
friends with common topics?
As a couple, befriending each other is
just the basic, and not to mention that, aside from being “just friends”, you
should be good friends, besties, or whatever you want to call it. Unless you
want to be there for each other just to pass down your DNAs, if not, you should
have the basic foundation. Else, the legitimate relationship will not last
long.
S.L.α: Besties
may not necessary will be good couple, but couple for sure will have better
chances and potential to be good besties. Well, there's a lifetime together,
no? Marriage is not a grave for man or woman, if we know very well how not to
turn it into our own graves.
2) Perception
Are you sharing somewhat some similar
perception and values towards life?
Birds of a feather flock together;
friends should have shared some common basic understandings towards life. With
that at least, each other will be able to have mutual understanding, else, how
both individuals become friends without mutual understanding?
Friends’ aside, for couples to live
together in the long term will definitely have to share the common values of
life. If both individuals have different pursuit of life and goals as well
as vast difference in perception, it's up to the individuals to ponder ways of
continuing the relationship.
S.L.α: No two humans have the exact same brain structure
and the way of perceiving things. Unless they are 100% identical twins who are
able to communicate through telepathy, the possibility of sharing such
commonality is out of the topic. It's great that both of you share the same
perception of life and things most of the time, but it's not a bad thing if you
both have different views too. Sometimes, looking things from his/her angle,
can be quite fun, as long as you don't force your idea on each other. Embrace
each other’s differences, and have fun sharing different perceptions. Mutual
support and respect are very important for two unique individuals with
different ways in looking at life.
3) Trust
Do you
trust each other?
Understanding
is the basic in socializing, not to mention that it is the foundation in a legitimate
relationship. At least, have a basic understanding of his/her family
background, education, personality, character, habits etc.
Having
merely understanding is not enough, you have to ask yourself whether you are
able to accept what you have understood and have trust in him/her, and
that's who we called "spouse".
S.L.α: The most
interesting part in getting to know somebody is in the process of understanding
the person. It's like fixing thousands pieces of an unknown jigsaw puzzle. The
surprise comes when the puzzle becomes a piece and reveals the whole picture.
Choices are yours to decide what to do with your puzzle. Somehow there will be people who will let go of you after looking at your "puzzle", thank them for
their mercy. It is better for them to leave you at this point in time than
later in life where there is no turning back.
When you
have decided to “keep” the puzzle, have trust. It is the trust in yourself and
the trust in him/her. We all know how important trust is, so as believe and
faith.
4) Communication
Are
you able to communicate well when both of you are in a conflict? Conflicts are
unavoidable in human relationships, what’s more that the probability of having
conflicts is higher among spouses who have to face each other every day.
The scariest part of having conflict is
not the conflict itself; it is how people are unable to properly communicate
with each other and intensifying a small matter. So couples, the foundation of
becoming spouses? Communication, for sure!
S.L.α: Besides
having the intelligence level and conscience that distinguish humans, animals
and plants, the third characteristic will be ego. Yes, E.G.O. I call it
“Everyone Get Out!” and leave me and only me alone as the king of the world.
The ego intensifies when we are in a conflict. It is humans’ nature to have the
perception that what we do and think are somewhat more “truthful” than others.
Thus, we do make mistakes and say something improper when we are all heated up.
Before that happen, walk away and have some time being the king of the world,
and get back to reality as soon as our anger cools off. Indeed, it feels pretty
good to be the king, but what’s the fun when nobody is there to share it with
you? Find ways of communication which will be effective for both of you.
5) Sacrifice
Do you have the spirit of sacrifice and
dedication?
The relationship between spouses is a
combination of rights and obligation, what you get may not be in proportion or
equal to what you have put in. One of you may have contributed more than the
other in your relationship. As you could not put everything into account and
weight each and every matter, spouses should have a spirit of sacrifice and
dedication. There is no debtor or creditor in a marriage, nor there is any
difference in distinction. The willingness to contribute and to sacrifice is
one of the basics of becoming spouses.
S.L.α:
We may come from different family backgrounds, receive different levels
of education etc, despite of all these differences, there should not be any difference
in the level of distinction. Having better background or higher level of
education does not mean that you are being superior of another in the social
entity -- family, which is first formed by two individuals. Thus, both parties
should have equal contribution in a relationship, eventhough it may not always
be equal in reality. The relationship will not last long if it is depending on
only one party’s contribution in maintaining it. Obligations, rights and
dedication should all be shared.
6) Tolerance
Are you able to tolerate with each
other?
People make
mistakes and have shortcomings. Because
spouses have closer proximity, therefore it is easier to discover each other’s
mistakes and shortcomings. Thus, spouses should have tolerance and be able to
rationally look at other party’s mistake and shortcoming with an open mind,
neither too picky nor condone without principles.
Tolerate trifles
of shortcomings and mistakes, and help each other to correct the significant
mistakes and shortcomings are vital in self improvement between couple.
S.L.α: Learn
from each other and grow together, that’s the best part of sharing your life
with someone.
7) Interests
Do you share the
same interests? Different people have different hobbies and interests. Yet, as
a couple, you should maintain common viewpoints in hobbies, interests, fun facts,
so that your hearts will not go astray
Couples who share common interests will be able to live happily in the long term than those who do not.
Couples who share common interests will be able to live happily in the long term than those who do not.
S.L.α: Find some
interests or hobbies where both of you can do together, it is more fun to play
together than playing alone, no?
8) Support
Are you able to
withstand the test of life and support each other?
The important
difference between love and marriage is that, marriage involves more real life
pressure and issues, and marriage is more cumbersome and boring, thus there
will be more difficulties and problems encountered by spouses.
Be it husband or
wife, whether it is about life or about work, he/she will encounter some unexpected
problems. Getting unwavering support from each other is the key for solving the
problems. If any party retreat when a problem is encountered, it will be
difficult for the marriage to continue.
S.L.α: Problems
are everywhere. You can choose to fight or flee. The problems will still recur
no matter how many zillion times you flee. Fight along each other instead of
running for your life and leaving the other party behind. We have heard of the
story of the bear and the two friends before. We know how the feeling is when
we are being abandoned in the midst of facing obstacles. Let’s not repeat the
story. Two is better than one, no? There are no problems that you cannot solve
with the support of each other. Support each other physically, mentally and emotionally. Stand by each other and fight along gloriously,
and those moments will always be the most spectacular bedtime stories for your
generations ahead.
9) Family
Are you able to
accept each others’ loved ones?
Many young lovers often
overlook this point, with the belief that marriage is the private affairs
between the two of them without the need for other considerations. This is
definitely a naive romanticism.
Marriage is not
only two persons’ affair; it is also two families’ affair. Besides loving each
other, you will also have to accept each other’s family members. If you are not
able to tolerate his/her family members, and they are unable to stop
interfering about the matters between both of you, then your future married life will be a
recipe for disaster.
S.L.α:
Something unique about marriage is that, it brings two families together
and becomes a larger family, all blood unrelated individuals being related by
law. You will have additional parents to love you and additional family members
to support and be there for you. There is a Chinese proverb saying, “Easy to
meet up, yet difficult to get along”. It is unavoidable that two families
coming from different backgrounds will have some frictions and disputes on some
matter, but with respect and forgiveness, a “civil war” can be avoided.
We all
love our family members as they are the people who we have spent decades
together, and they are the reason of our existence. We want them to be accepted
and be treated as how we have treated them. Treat his/her family members as
your own, as they already are, at the moment you speak your vow and sign your
“contract for a lifetime”. The key is, both sides are your family members,
after all.
10) Economy
Do you have the
economic foundations?
Being
suitable for love and dating does not mean that both of you are suitable to get
married, because marriage something involves more of bread and butter other
than romantic issues. Without the economic necessity, the marriage will not be
able to go on. Two artsy individuals may not be suitable of becoming spouses,
due to the reason that they may indulge in their own romantic art of living
without knowing how to put bread and butter on the table.
S.L.α:
Let's admit, it is something unromantic which is called life. If you
grow up reading Shakespeare, you have to face the reality that if Romeo and
Juliet were to escape the romantic suicide, they still have to work on filling
up their stomach, now without the support of their massive family inheritance
and family support. Prince and princess who escape to the peasants’ world will
become peasants too. They maybe lovey dovey everyday, but for sure bread and
butter are the major concern everyday than the romantic item you called love.
If you have strong faith and support for each other, I believe that should not
be a problem after all.
P/S: All above are for reference only, no professional advice involved.
“For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
Be there for each other,
S.L
α
我的个人笔记将是以斜体紫色代表。动机是希望会有更多的快乐夫妇和更多的孩子拥有幸福的家庭。
一，两个人首先得是谈得来的朋友
作为夫妻，最基本的应该是朋友，而且应是好朋友或知已，除非你们只是纯生理意义上的传宗接代型夫妻，否则连朋友关系都达不到怎么做夫妻，即使勉强做了夫妻也将无法持久。
雪莲α：好朋友未必一定会成为好夫妻，但夫妻肯定会有更多的机会和潜力可以成为很好的朋友。反正有一辈子能在一起，可不是吗？婚姻不是男人或是女人的坟墓，那是在如果我们非常清楚地知道如何不把它变成我们自己的坟墓的前提上。
二，至少有大致相同的人生价值观
物以类聚，朋友间都应该在人生观世界和价值上有基本一致的认识，至少能彼此默认对方的人生价值观，否则怎么做朋友？
朋友尚且如此，夫妻要长期生活在一起，当然更得有共同的人生价值观。夫妻追求的人生和生活目标不一致，对事物的看法存在严重的分歧，婚姻怎么进行下去？
雪莲α：没有两个人有相同的大脑结构和看待事物的方式，除非他们是100％同卵双胞胎和能够通过心灵感应进行交流。不然的话，这是不可能的。倘若你们俩拥有很多共同的看法，那真是可喜可贺。但如果你们俩有不同的看法，并不是一件坏事。有时候，以他/她的角度来看待事物可以是相当有趣的，前提是你们不要强迫对方接受你们的想法。彼此需拥抱彼此的差异，并享受彼此不同的看法的乐趣。相互支持与尊重是两个拥有不同看法的情侣维持关系的重要因素。
三，彼此要能做到充分了解信任
了解对方是人际交往的基本前提，而要想做夫妻，了解当然是最最基本要做到的。对对方不了解，对方的家庭背景，受教育情况，性格脾气，个性特质，生活习惯等等，这些都应该充分了解，至少得有基本的了解。
了解当然还远不够，在了解之后，如果你能接纳你所了解的这些东西，你还得充分的信任对方，没有信任就没有交往，夫妻尤其如此。
雪莲α：在结识某人，最有趣的部分是在认识的人的过程。这就像拼一个拥有几千块拼的拼图。最令人惊喜的是当拼图完正变成了一幅然后揭示了整个画面。接下来你须决定该如何处理你的“拼图”了。有些人在开过了你的“拼图”后会放开你的手，你可要感谢他们的仁慈哦。因为，他们现在离开你总比在没有回头路可走的时候离开你来得好。
当你已经决定珍藏他/她的那幅“拼图”时，要有所信任。这是对你自己，也是对他/她的信任。如果不能做到两小无猜，至少得有基本的信任。
四，有矛盾冲突时两人很容易沟通
人与人之间当然难免会出现一些问题和矛盾，夫妻当然也一样，而且因为天天在一起，发生摩擦冲突的可能性还更大。
有矛盾不可怕，可怕的是彼此无法沟通而让矛盾发展激化到不可收拾的地步，所以做夫妻的一个重要且基本的要件就是遇事彼此很容易就能沟通。
雪莲α：除了智力水平和良知，第三个特点来区分人类、动物和植物是自我。当我们发生冲突时，我们的自我便会加剧。我们会认为我们所做的和所说的都比其他人更“正确”。因此，当我们火冒三丈时，我们都会不经意的说一些不恰当的话或犯错。这时必须先推一步，当心情平静下来时再做决定。最重要的是必须找到上找到你们俩之间最有效的沟通方式。
五，彼此有基本的牺牲“吃亏”精神
夫妻之间是一种权利和义务的结合，但得到的东西和你付出的东西并不会总成比例，更不可能完全对等。夫妻一方总是会付出多些，而另一方会少些，作为夫妻当然不能斤斤计较，要有奉献牺牲精神。婚姻中没有谁欠谁的，也没有高低贵贱之分，甘于牺牲付出也是做夫妻基本的要件之一。
雪莲α：我们可能来自不同的家庭背景，接受不同教育程度等，这些差异不应成为贫富贵贱之分。有更好的背景或教育水平较高并不意味着你是优于另一方，毕竟一个家庭是由两个人组成。因此，尽管现实里并不可能完全平等，至少双方应该有相同的付出与贡献。如果只有一方的付出，婚姻关系不会持续很长的时间。无论是责任、权利和奉献都应该共享。
六，能做到对彼此的宽容大度
人都会犯错，人都有缺点，夫妻之间由于是近距离的接触，更能发现错误和缺点，因此作为夫妻更应有一颗宽容大度的心，能正确和理性地看待对方身上的缺点和所犯的错误，既不吹毛求疵，也不无原则地纵容。
宽容小的和无关紧的缺点和错误，帮助对方改正大的错误和缺点，夫妻要一起进步。
雪莲α：互相学习，共同成长，这是与对方分享人生的最棒的一部分。
七，志趣情趣要能基本相投
人各有志，但作为夫妻的双方，则应在志趣方面保持基本的一致，在兴趣，志趣，情趣方面能大致相同的看法观点，唯如此才能步调一致而不会越走越远甚至离心离德。
志趣基本相投才能在一起长期生活，貌合神离的夫妻不可能幸福。
雪莲α：找一些两个可以一起做的兴趣或爱好，独乐乐不如众乐乐，不是吗？
八，能经受考验，彼此支持
婚姻不同于恋爱的重要一点就是，婚姻得面对更多的现实生活压力和问题，婚姻也更烦琐甚至乏味，因而遇到的困难和难题也多得多。
无论是妻子还丈夫，无论是生活中还是工作中，都会遇到不可预期的一些难题，这并不可怕，关键是要能得到对方的坚定支持。如果一遇到问题就退缩，这连朋友都不如，以后的婚姻生活将无法进行下去。
九，能接受彼此的家庭亲人
很多年轻的恋人往往容易忽视这一点，认为婚姻是两个人的私事，可以不考虑其他，这当然是一种天真的浪漫主义。
婚姻是两个年轻人的事，也是双方父母和两个家庭的事，夫妻除了彼此的相爱，还必须要能接纳对方的家庭，假如你根本无法忍受对方父母家庭的一些作为，而他们又无法做到毫不过问你们的事，那么你今后的婚姻生活将会后患无穷。
雪莲α：婚姻独特的地方是它能结合两个家庭成为一个更大的家庭，将所有毫无血液关系的人们有了法律关系。你将多了两位父母来爱你和额外的家庭成员来支持你。中国有句谚语俗语，“相见容易相处难”。两个来自不同背景家庭的成员难免有一些摩擦和争端，但若以尊重和宽容相待，一个“内战”是可以避免的。
我们都爱我们的家人，因为他们是与我们相处了几十年的人，他们也是我们存在的原由。我们都希望他们能够被接受和被好好地对待。将他/她的家庭成员犹如自己的家庭成员般对待，因为，在你讲你的誓言并签上你的“一辈子”的和约那一刻起，他/她的家人便是你的家人了。最关键的是，毕竟双方都是你的家人啊。
十，有基本的物质经济做基础
适合谈恋爱并不等于适合结为夫妻，因为婚姻除了浪漫更多的是柴米油盐醋的现实生活，没有一定的物质经济作基础，婚姻生活不可能进行下去，所以两个过于具艺术家气质的人可能不适合做夫妻，因为他们极可能都沉于浪漫的艺术生活而不知道如道生活和赚钱养家。
雪莲α：我们必须承认，这所谓的生活就是这么的平淡无奇。如果你是读莎士比亚长大的，你必须面对的现实是，如果罗密欧与朱丽叶躲避了他们那浪漫的自杀而存活下来，他们仍然要面对没有自己的庞大的家族继承和家庭支持下如何继续生活。逃往平民世界的王子与公主最终将变成平民。他们也许还可以相爱过活，但可以肯定的是一日三餐将会是他们的主要关注。如果你们有坚强的信念和相互支持，我相信这些不该是个问题。
注：以上事项只供为参考，非专业意见.
相互支持，
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